counting days

i'm lost. i'm panic. the fact that semester break is about to end is suffocating me. at one side, i love knowing that this year will be final. at another side, i'm afraid of being incompetent.

gotta study now. just do quick revision on few topics. i can't enter fifth year with a blank mind, can i?

my family is my major strength. 

a present from ibu. 
biar semangat nak belajar. 

battlefield

What's your definition of beautiful? 

For me, beauty always mean fair skin, sharp nose, pink lips, big round eyes, straight long hair and slim body. Frankly, that's how I define beautiful. I always view models and miss world/universe (or whatever miss it's called) as a symbol of perfection. And I envy them. 

I realize that outer beauty doesn't last. It fades with time! It's inner beauty that stays with you. It defines who you really are. But still, it's outer beauty that people eagerly look at. 

As I grow older, I slowly learn to accept all my flaws and imperfections, and embrace them. This is what I do every single morning : I look in the mirror, give myself the most sincere smile, and say, "You're beautiful and unique." 

Well, it takes some time to build confidence and takes lots of time to convince myself that I'm like the rest, beautiful. 

But hey, as long as I have family, friends, education, health and most importantly, faith, I guess that's more than enough. 

Last but not least, I don't know why, but each time I feel like I'm lacking in everything and wanting more, this verse always comes to my mind. 

Which is it, of the favours of your Lord, that ye deny? (Surah Ar-Rahman)

Is it even possible?

Just now, a friend of mine asked me a sensitive question (edited version);

friend: hang nampak sihat la ni. senang hati eh??

me: senang hati apanya..

friend: ye la, makin bam bam ni..

me: hahaha. aku risau sebenarnya fikir pasal berat badan aku ni... Dalam masa 4 tahun ni, aku dah naik 11 kg...

Well, I admit it. this weight gain issue strikes me every single day. Few days back, Ibu called me;

Ibu: akak, untuk baju raya tahun ni, nak ikut ukuran baju yang mana ya? yang colour hijau tu boleh?

me: akak rasa dah tak boleh la bu. besarkan sikit tang dada, pinggang ngan punggung tu..

Hell yeah, I'm damn worried about my weight and appearance right now. Especially with this upcoming raya. People will definitely ask. I know I should do some jogging and not to forget control my diet. 

And my boyfriend, he is as thin as a lamp post. And each time I walk by his side, I have this weird feeling of incompatibility. We look like 1-0. And that makes me feel ashamed. Ashamed of my fatty body.  

Is it even possible to get back to my previous, ideal body weight? Can I do it? Frankly, I don't know the answer. 

At some points, I feel like crying. The truth really hurts. And I'm beginning to feel inferior. Now, I know what it really feels like to be a plump, not-pretty girl. 

meeting my understanding friends

i was at a cafe, about to leave after buying nasi ayam in a stall, when i saw 3 hands waving at me from distance. recognizing  them as my friends, to be exact, my group mates for 2 years in this lovely medic school, i waved back. and i went closer to meet them. 

N : farid kamil mana?

me : haha. farid kamil dah tak ada.

and then, things went a bit serious. 

N : sampai hati dia buat camni kat kau kan?

me : (smile). dia buat apa?

N : ye laa. dia layan kau. alih2 dapat tau, couple dengan orang lain.

i was clueless. how did they knew? i had never tell anyone, except my roommate (i did tell her almost everything). and seeing that they were concerned, i was willing to tell them the truth, to be frank.

me: nak buat macam mana. i fall for the wrong person.

I : it's ok. u need to kiss few frogs first before kissing a prince.

me : haha. dia first frog aku la macam tu. 

Z : tak apa. kau akan dapat orang yang lagi baik nanti.

when we ended our conversation, i didn't feel sad. what a miracle. in fact, i feel relieved. and yes, i'm moving on.