battlefield

What's your definition of beautiful? 

For me, beauty always mean fair skin, sharp nose, pink lips, big round eyes, straight long hair and slim body. Frankly, that's how I define beautiful. I always view models and miss world/universe (or whatever miss it's called) as a symbol of perfection. And I envy them. 

I realize that outer beauty doesn't last. It fades with time! It's inner beauty that stays with you. It defines who you really are. But still, it's outer beauty that people eagerly look at. 

As I grow older, I slowly learn to accept all my flaws and imperfections, and embrace them. This is what I do every single morning : I look in the mirror, give myself the most sincere smile, and say, "You're beautiful and unique." 

Well, it takes some time to build confidence and takes lots of time to convince myself that I'm like the rest, beautiful. 

But hey, as long as I have family, friends, education, health and most importantly, faith, I guess that's more than enough. 

Last but not least, I don't know why, but each time I feel like I'm lacking in everything and wanting more, this verse always comes to my mind. 

Which is it, of the favours of your Lord, that ye deny? (Surah Ar-Rahman)

Is it even possible?

Just now, a friend of mine asked me a sensitive question (edited version);

friend: hang nampak sihat la ni. senang hati eh??

me: senang hati apanya..

friend: ye la, makin bam bam ni..

me: hahaha. aku risau sebenarnya fikir pasal berat badan aku ni... Dalam masa 4 tahun ni, aku dah naik 11 kg...

Well, I admit it. this weight gain issue strikes me every single day. Few days back, Ibu called me;

Ibu: akak, untuk baju raya tahun ni, nak ikut ukuran baju yang mana ya? yang colour hijau tu boleh?

me: akak rasa dah tak boleh la bu. besarkan sikit tang dada, pinggang ngan punggung tu..

Hell yeah, I'm damn worried about my weight and appearance right now. Especially with this upcoming raya. People will definitely ask. I know I should do some jogging and not to forget control my diet. 

And my boyfriend, he is as thin as a lamp post. And each time I walk by his side, I have this weird feeling of incompatibility. We look like 1-0. And that makes me feel ashamed. Ashamed of my fatty body.  

Is it even possible to get back to my previous, ideal body weight? Can I do it? Frankly, I don't know the answer. 

At some points, I feel like crying. The truth really hurts. And I'm beginning to feel inferior. Now, I know what it really feels like to be a plump, not-pretty girl. 

meeting my understanding friends

i was at a cafe, about to leave after buying nasi ayam in a stall, when i saw 3 hands waving at me from distance. recognizing  them as my friends, to be exact, my group mates for 2 years in this lovely medic school, i waved back. and i went closer to meet them. 

N : farid kamil mana?

me : haha. farid kamil dah tak ada.

and then, things went a bit serious. 

N : sampai hati dia buat camni kat kau kan?

me : (smile). dia buat apa?

N : ye laa. dia layan kau. alih2 dapat tau, couple dengan orang lain.

i was clueless. how did they knew? i had never tell anyone, except my roommate (i did tell her almost everything). and seeing that they were concerned, i was willing to tell them the truth, to be frank.

me: nak buat macam mana. i fall for the wrong person.

I : it's ok. u need to kiss few frogs first before kissing a prince.

me : haha. dia first frog aku la macam tu. 

Z : tak apa. kau akan dapat orang yang lagi baik nanti.

when we ended our conversation, i didn't feel sad. what a miracle. in fact, i feel relieved. and yes, i'm moving on. 

Lionel Richie

di pagi hari, tak tau nak buat apa,padahal boleh je siapkan tutorial untuk next week. aku pon stalked wall fb sorang kawan. dan aku nampak dia ada tulis camni (lebih kurang la ayat dia) : 

fall in love with 'When you tell me that you love me - Diana Ross'

so, aku pon cari la lagu tu. download & dengar. boleh tahan. cuma suara dia tidakla sesedap suara Whitney Houston (r.i.p). pandangan aku je la ni.

so, lepas mood jiwang dah datang, aku pon decide untuk download 2 lagu Lionel Richie, 'Hello' & 'Endless Love'. among my favourite songs. cuma tak ada dalam simpanan. so, i keep rewinding these songs. sampai muak la gamaknya nanti kan. while listening to the lyrics with closed eyes, there's someone who keeps popping into my mind. guess who? 

it's you, kawan. yes, you. 

well. that's that. 

1)Hello

2)Endless love

p/s : people say it's hard to forget your first love. the truth is, i don't even know how to differentiate between love, like, or just crush. 

orthopaedic

done with surgery posting. prof kata paper pharmaco semua orang pass. alhamdulillah. harap-harap paper surgery pon kami 1 group pass. 

2 weeks in orthopaedic posting. tersangat sibuk. 2 grand ward round every week. one for spine unit. one for year 4 unit. and both are on the same day!!! in spine unit, knowing each case in our unit is a MUST. prof akan tanya siapa-siapa sahaja. kalau tak tahu complaint pesakit tu (means you didn't clerk the patient), bersedialah  untuk dihalau keluar dari ward. seram!

in the clinic. pesakit luar selalu ramai. nak dekat 100. jadi, selalu pukul 1-2 petang baru habis. memang penat.

not to forget, the physical examinations in orthopaedic are just toooooo many. from spine to hand  to foot to peripheral nerve examinations. semua kena ada dalam kepala. boleh tepu otak.

4 more weeks to go. u can do it! 





 

one day

baru pagi tadi aku dengar lagu ni. 1st time. lagu nyanyian Matisyahu, tajuk "One day". muzik reggae? iya la kot. aku ni buta seni. yg penting, lirik lagu ni bagus. dan, of course, bukan lagu cinta yang kita biasa dengar. oh ya, matisyahu is a jewish.

sambil-sambil buat soalan mcq, sambil layan lagu ni. lagu yang tenang. dan moga dipermudahkan exam next week. moga aku pass 1st posting (surgery). aminn.

i like you

say you like me. lagu yang comel. bukan sebab suara vokalis, tapi lirik lagu ni yang comel. terngiang-ngiang "....if you like me, then say you like me...". persoalannya, mampu ke nak bagitau, "heh awak, saya suka awak la." jujurnya, aku takkan mampu nak bagitau. konon-konon lidah kelu, lutut ketar (ni cuma based on novel, drama, filem melayu yang cliche).

atas beberapa faktor, aku nobatkan lagu ni sebagai theme song untuk minggu ni. layan~

scene main kelopak bunga ni aku selalu nampak dalam cerita cinta. aku tak pasti apa relevannya cabut kelopak tu tapi nampak pelik. dan nampak sangat tengah angau. sila kawal perasaan anda. apa, ingat bunga tu pak nujum ke??? 

bila orang tu (you-know-who) mesej, mesti hati bunga-bunga. sedangkan dia cuma tanya pasal homework apa kena buat. pastu nanti, daripada sekadar mesej hal-hal urgent, terus meleret-leret, masuk hal lain. senang cerita, hal-hal yang tak penting la. bila dah lama merapu, pastu dah tak ada idea nak mesej apa lagi. terpaksa la stop mesej kan. dengan hati yang berat, terpaksa mesej, "ok. bye. ada kerja nak buat." 

pastu nanti, ada masa, bila rindu(layankan sangat perasaan tu) kat orang tu, mula la start mesej. tanya khabar la konon. masa tu, sangat mengharap orang tu akan balas a.s.a.p. pastu, bila seharian tunggu, kejap-kejap tengok inbox, tak ada jugak dia reply. mula la rasa bodoh. "apa yang aku buat ni..." menyesal kejap. haishhh. cuba la fikir positif sikit. entah-entah orang tu tak ada kredit. lagi pon, benda yang ditanya tu bukannya penting pon kan. jadi, tak kesah la reply ke tak.

konklusinya, sila ikut akal bila nak buat sesuatu tu. bak kata pepatah melayu,

ikut hati, MATI.

ikut nafsu, LESU. 

hayatilah ayat 26 Surah an-Nur:

"...perempuan-perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki-lelaki yang baik, dan lelaki-lelaki yang baik untuk perempuan-perempuan yang baik..."

p/s:moga aku kuat untuk berubah menjadi yang baik.